A Christmas Bet
by Lady Aquinas
Summary: Just a little piece of Rayne Christmas fluff.


It began with a bet. A stupid gorram bet. A stupid gorram bet that he'd lost. To Mal of all people. It went like this: 

One game of cards.

The loser had to run around the ship decorated like a Christmas tree with nothing to hang the decorations on but the appendages that

Shepherds God had blessed him with. If that wasn't enough, he also had to sing an old Earth-that-was Christmas carol. Some crazy

go-se about a deer with a red nose. The winner got the satisfaction of seeing the loser look like an absolute idiot in front of the rest of

the crew.

Hell, he'd been sure that he could beat the Captain. Man couldn't play cards to save himself. In fact, he had a sneakin suspicion that

there had been some definite trickery involved. Nothin more decievin that a low down dirty...deceiver.

And so, here he stood, as naked as the day he was born. A few wisps of red tinsel hung over his broad shoulders and a small string of

battery operated Christmas lights were tied around his waist. On his head he'd placed an old worn out Santa hat from a bygone era.

Yep, he certainly looked the part of an absolute idiot. He was never gonna live it down.

Climbing out of his bunk, he walked quietly towards the kitchen, his hands clasped protectively over his John Thomas. He could hear

the crew talking over dinner, and figured that he was a lot like Santa right then. He was about to surprise everybody with a Christmas

present. Hell, his Ma would hang her head in shame if she saw him like this. Matty would probably laugh until he split his pants.

Straightening his shoulders in an effort to hold on to what little dignity he had left, he crossed the threshold and entered the room. The

noise level tapered off until only silence reigned. All eyes were riveted to him and he moved nervously from foot to foot.

'What ya lookin at?' he growled. 'Aint ya ever seen a nekkid man dressed as Santa before?'

'No' replied Wash, his face showing bewilderment. 'But now that you mentioned it, I'm at a loss as to how anyone would actually want to'

Mal sat back in his chair, his arms folded comfortably across his chest. A contended smile graced his handsome face as he looked at his hired gun.

'It's a good look Jayne' he said, barely keeping the laughter out of his voice.

In answer he received a scowl that would have sent a lesser man running.

'You know Jayne..' the usually silent Zoe offered up from beside her husband, 'I'm curious as to where you'd put Vera in an outfit like that. Now don't get me wrong,' she continued hastily off his foul look, 'you look very...pretty'

Laughter bubbled up in her throat and soon the entire crew had joined in.

'You look better in red' said the moonbrain standing near the sink.

The scowl on his face wavered as he saw the way she was looking at him. It was if she was devouring him with her eyes. He groaned deep in his throat when he realised that the crazy girls look had caused his John Thomas to start swelling.

'We gonna get this over and done with, or should I just stand around for all your amusement like?' he spat at them, eager to get this over and done with.

'By all means lets get this party started' Mal said pushing his chair back. 'It's been a long while since I've heard me some decent music, and I'm a might bit interested in listening to that deep manly voice of yours'.

'You and me's gonna have a reckonin one day Captain, ya know that right' Jayne said.

'I reckon that's so Jayne, I surely do. But how bout you get ta running and singing?'

Jayne turned his back on them as he made his way out of the kitchen and then realising that this left his butt clean visible he turned around quickly. He didn't say anything, just gave each of the crew in turn a filthy look that told them without words that there was to be no starin at his ass.

Taking a deep breath he turned again and ran from the room. On his exit the others quickly burst in laughter as one by one they rose from their seats and headed off to watch the nights entertainment unfold. the gorram nosed idiot reindeer' the merc half grumbled half sang as he ran past the infirmary.

'We can't hear you!' came a chorus of voices in the distance.

'Had a very shiny nose' his voice tapered off at the end. 'That don't make no sense at all!' he called out, his voice echoing off the walls of the hold.

'Keep singing Jayne' Mals voice called from the walkway above Jayne. The merc looked up at the entire crew who now lined the narrow passageway.

'I done sung some of it Mal. Gorram stupid song anyway if ya ask me. Anyways, I aint singin any more'. And with the large naked man decorated like a Christmas tree ran out of the cargo hold giving everyone a prime view of his posterior.

'He doesn't have the facial hair necessary to accurately portray the myth as told to us by our forefathers' River said, her head tilted to the side in confusion.

'Also his abdomen does not protrude the correct length. Although,' she continued with a shy grin on her face, 'there does appear to be the correct protrusion in other parts of his anatomy.'

The other members looked at her with slack jaws, aghast at what she had just said. She looked at them, her shy smile now one of downright glee. 'He looks good in red'.


End file.
